A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. “Tim, you be first,” she said. “What does your mother do all day?”
Tim stood up and proudly said, “She’s a doctor.”
“That’s wonderful. How about you, Amie?”
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, “My father is a mailman.”
“Thank you, Amie,” [...]
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?”
Who was the first person to say “See that chicken there….I’m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it’s butt.”
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast [...]
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
“Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer; she’s a lawyer, or that’s Michael; he’s a doctor.’”
A small voice at [...]
At one Army base, the annual trip to the rifle range
had been canceled for the second year in a row, but
the semi-annual physical fitness test was still on
as planned.
One soldier mused, “Does it bother anyone else that
the Army doesn’t seem to care how well we can shoot,
but they are extremely interested in how fast we [...]
The policeman arrived at the scene of an accident to find that a car had struck a telephone pole. Searching for witnesses, he discovered a pale, nervous young man in work clothes who claimed he was an eyewitness.
“Exactly where were you at the time of the accident?” inquired the officer.
“Mister,” exclaimed the telephone lineman, “I [...]
A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court,” said the desk sergeant.
“No, no, no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I`ve been trying to do [...]
A Texan, a Russian and a New Yorker go into a restaurant in London.
The waiter says, “Excuse me, but you should be advised that if you want the steak, there is a shortage.”
The Texan says, “What’s a shortage?”
The Russian says, “What’s a steak?”
The New Yorker says, “What’s ‘Excuse me’?”
A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him, “Daddy, what’s sex?”
Her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He goes on to tell her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet-dreams…and he [...]
A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh, right up just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put “Happy Thanksgiving” under the turkey. So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good. The [...]
DUMB CRIMINALS Real Crimes Committed By Dumb Criminals
Chicago: A man was wanted for throwing bricks through jewelry store windows and making off with the loot. He was arrested last night after throwing a brick into a Plexiglas window…the brick bounced back, hit him in the head and knocked him cold until the police got there.
Portsmouth, [...]